The thing I am most worried about is …
My inability to maintain meaningful relationships and establish trust. It holds me back from choosing to spend time with others and as a result, I naturally push people who care for me away. It is ultimately because I don’t feel deserving of love and friendship. Which, in turn, is a consequence of my Dad walking out.
Becoming more introspective, it could also have been one of several catalysts that have led to my self esteem issues and mental health problems. We’ll ignore the Freudian view altogether. My Dad’s departure left me unconfident in myself and it took me years to formulate myself an identity.
I was committed to Ash Villa Psychiatric Assessment Unit for 6 months. That was the first time I began to properly question my gender. I’ve explored such avenues of thought as ‘is this my way of protecting myself mentally’ or ‘is this a reaction to past trauma’. It is hard to tell whether I am mending with time or the testosterone but, alike to completing a difficult jigsaw, putting myself back together becomes easier and faster with practise.
kikikissmybattery 
Good on you for being honest with yourself, and realizing these problems are a great step towards helping yourself. I consider my introspective thoughts the cause of my struggles also, at least part of it. I’ve lived in my head since I was a child. Anyway, thanks for sharing, I hope you get better! I also share my struggles on Tabula Rasa (www.tabularasa.ml) if you ever have time 😀