Today the GP refused to check my vitals; I asked for my heart rate and pulse to be taken.
She said this on the basis that it looks like I’ve maintained my weight. I decided against explaining how bulimia isn’t likely to trigger weight loss over a relatively short period; a month of this last bout in my case.
But I’m currently not eating at all.
Tuesday – chocolate shake
Wednesday- 3 medium Diet Coke, 1 fruit juice
Thursday- 1 fruit juice, 3 medium Diet Coke
Friday (so far) – medium Diet Coke
Needless to say I’m worried.
I’m struggling with food again.
But this feels different from the last few times because its conscious. I was getting fat but realistically know that not eating isn’t the answer. I know that from not eating over the past three days I’m not helping my weight loss.
Yet I feel more confident, more healthy, more everything. Food pangs have gone now. I’ve done this before so know how it goes: Heart palpitations; achy ribs; breathing slower. I know I’m going to snap soon. Food is an addiction after all.
An addiction that unfortunately never goes away. If I was waiting on someone to notice a physical difference then I’d be waiting a while; there’s a fair amount to lose. But I’m doing this for me. Because this is how I deal with stress.
I’ll keep updating here. I intend to go for as long as I’m able but have a busy day tomorrow so will have to see where my energy levels are at in the morning.
Less Than (Perfect)
Spoiler being I was never less than.
‘I am less than perfect because no one is perfect. But I refuse to think of myself as less than worthy anymore.’
Depression: Letting Loved Ones In
Mind’s Self Esteem
Childline’s Building Confidence
T/W Mentions of suicide, hospitalisation and violence
The following isn’t meant to upset, only to allow me to vent and offer some insight both into my inpatient experiences and own life.
Been struggling with a depressive period as of late and took the time to reflect on some of my darker life experiences. Inevitably I cause myself some upset hence the breakdown that follows.
T/W Psychosis discussion, brief mentions of substance abuse
As someone who experiences only mild psychosis (as a side effect of anxiety), I was hesitant to make this video. If any information sounds incorrect or your own experiences are different to information here, please comment below. Always important to never stop learning!
00:52 Unusual Beliefs or ‘Delusions’
04:13 Seeking Help
In which I’m not wearing pants (Q n A) [VIDEO]
The long promised yet unanticipated occasion where your Q’s are Aed. That is until I go off on a tangent and ran out of time.
01:52 – Am I going to make Hospitalisation Part 2?
03:38 – How did I juggle school and work?
06:12 – Why did I start YT?
07:08 – Am I currently on or doing anything to transition from ftm (female to male)?
‘This literal weight..’ [poem]
Why does it feel like the weight of the worlds on my shoulders when I carry a much heavier load in my chest
Alongside my chest
On my chest
Sits a ductal system of misogyny and sexual repression that wasn’t in my ownership to begin with
The off beat
That beat through my rib cage aren’t mine when the skin I live in is raped of its worth by boring stares and wandering hands
My identity was rewritten after bashful warnings of the dangers of provocative clothing
Leaving only an empty shell save the voiceless sobs wrenched from a now tainted body that wasn’t my own
Yet mammary glands undamaged
Primed for the day that fertilised notions of internal sexism would embed themselves in my darkest reaches
9 months festering inside, the idealised body image now misshapen and distorted, stretch marks fit only for the unfrequented areas of fetish porn sites
“It’s a beautiful baby girl”
The cycle starts again
A big shout out to all the amazing people that made this piece happen; wouldn’t be where I am today without my wonderful directing team, producer and scripting crew.
Happy New Year guys!
Mental Health Awareness Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8SJYjy5zO4XxIE26gMXCz66tAriC0rXu
Exposure Therapy Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8SJYjy5zO4UfUs3fh6O4H_XF9YpVcYj6